I was at convalescent home for sick children at Clacton-On-Sea, Essex.
I remember some visiting days and my mum came to visit with my uncle Len my dads brother when my dad didn't come to see me.
They seemed very secretive. It was supposed to have been a treat to take me out for a few hours to the beach. We were walking along the promenade and I was told to walk further in front which I did, but when I was a kid I didn't think anything of it.
Mum and uncle Len seemed engrossed in quite private conversations all the time. Sometimes they seemed to be talking seriously, then other times they were laughing a lot.
I was left on my own to do what I wanted to do on the beach. When I went back to my mum I was told to go and play quite a few times by uncle Len and was given money to go and buy myself an ice-cream. I glanced over at them a few times and they were still talking and laughing and not giving a thought about me. I think to myself now that I could have been kidnapped and they wouldn't have noticed me gone.
Deep down I believe they were having an affair then and had been on and off for years.
One weekend mum and dad didn't come to visit at all. The Matron of the home came to tell me that the car had broken down and mum couldn't get here.
I now think uncle Len was with her at the time and he had persuaded her not to come to visit me and go somewhere else together.
Other times over many years, this is after I had left the convalescent home. I used to go out a lot with my dad especially on Sundays, dad and I would go out on our bikes and go visiting dads family and friends and return for dinner around 3.pm.
We sometimes came home earlier and Uncle Len wold be there sitting in the living room or just leaving. Nothing was ever said about this. I'm going to cut a lot out as there are too many incidents to write about.
This is the one that really gets to me.
Soon after my dad had committed suicide. Uncle Len seemed to be there all the time helping mum and that's how it looked. There was plenty of times during the first few weeks soon after dads death that they said the have things to sort out. Obviously I know they did, but not all day time or everyday. Some evenings they said they were going round uncle Lens to see aunt Ada which was all lies because, one of my cousin's "P" uncle Lens daughter told me ( in recent years as we were talking frank about everything ) they never went round there at all and I remember being in the house on my own all the time. even early hours of the morning.
One evening they stayed in and I was told to go to my room tis would be around 6.pm'ish. I came down stairs for some water and heard a scuffle in the sitting room and uncle Len came out and shut the door. He said, what did I want. He had a look of guilt/concerned on his face. I said, I want some water. He said, he will get it. I said, its ok, I'll get it. Uncle Len got hold of my arm, glared at me and said, go up stairs now, I'll fetch the water and bring it up to you and he did and made sure I was in my room. Later, I wanted to go to the toilet. When I got out on the upstairs landing there was a lot of noise scuffling going on in the sitting room, then it went quite. Uncle Len came out in the hallway and asked me what I was doing. I said I'm going to the toilet. He said, ok and go back to bed.
A few times the police came by to ask questions about my dads death. I was the only one in the house when dad killed himself.
My mum and uncle Len told me not to tell the police about some things if asked. can't remember properly, but I think it was about mum and uncle Len's were about's or something like that, not quite sure as it was such a long time ago, but I do know its was about them.
I did feel so uncomfortable about what ever it was and was worried in case I had said or done something wrong. Uncle Len was giving me a look to kill. I had been told to lie to the police.....Why?? Was it in case aunt Ada found out about or something else? I know dad killed himself, they didn't do that. Or was it dad had known about uncle Len all along? We will never know now. The truth about any of it had died with them all.
My mum said to me one day, what do you think about moving house. I said yes, because I was so uncomfortable living in the house where my dad had killed himself and being there in the house most of the time by myself. So, we moved.
Mum said to me one day she was going on holiday with her friend from the market, I believed her. Why shouldn't I, after all this is my mum!
I asked if I could come, she said no! So, I stayed with mums cousin (can't remember her name) in Plaistow, London for a week.
Mum collected me and as soon as we got home and when the door shut behind us there was a lot of banging on the door. Mum opened the door and my aunt and cousins came barging in and beat mum up. I was shocked as I had no idea what was going on or why. Uncle Len came in and stopped the attack and got everyone outside.
After everyone had gone and it was just me and mum, I asked her what all that as about and what was going on. I was angry with her as she wasn't saying anything and I had to force it out of her with my vicious tongue.
She told me her and uncle Len had been having an affair and they had been on holiday together.
I never trusted or spoke to my mum again for many years right up to just before she died. I was ashamed of her.
If I did speak to her which wasn't often It wasn't like mother and daughter. I never ever had respect for my mum after that day.
I had a lot of aggression in me that I carried around with me for years and I took it out on her. I became to hate my mum for lying to me, for having the affair, for everything that had happened when my dad committed suicide, I could never forgive her, even now and even more so when I was accused by my dads family and they turned on me thinking that I knew about their affair all along and was asked if they were carrying on while dad was alive. I said, I don't know nothing and was called a liar by my nan, my dads mum. That's what hurt me to think everyone was thinking the same that I was no good like my mum. I always kept myself to myself, so how can I be like my mum? I suppose in their eyes I am.
How long had the affair been going on, I really couldn't say, but thinking back now, the signs were there as I had written them here, but I was so nieve <spelling> when I was younger and was for years after, even now. I used to think everyone were nice people and thought nothing bad of anyone.
I have had a lot of aggression in me for years and depression too, but I seem to have curbed the aggression a lot now. I still feel wild and angry at times.
There's nothing I can do to change the past, but I can help my future.
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